Honey Notes

She was one of those women who try to be tough and sexy on the outside, but are actually little sweet and fragile girls on the inside.
She never trusted people.
Specially men.
When she was a little girl, she learned the hard way that men are all the same: she watched her father break her Mom's heart and leave. No phone calls. Ever. Not even to check if they were alive. He chose to leave. And this way, he broke her heart. The first man to ever do that. She felt so unloved and betrayed when she found out that since she was one year old he was choosing other family instead of his own. "That's not real love", she thought. And from then on, she lost her father, and her hero. They would never be close again.
What she didn't know is that this would be a pattern in her life.
Things and people she was really attached to would always leave when she needed the most.
First, the boys and first loves.
The doctor, the dancer, the pianist, the basketball player… The ones she really cared for would never stay.
When she would finally open her heart for them they would leave and break it, just like her father.
Then, her sister left for another country. She came back with a boyfriend, and from then on, their relationship was never the same.
And to finish on a good note (or not), her Mom also got a boyfriend. Absent in Saturday nights, family dinners, performances, Mother's Day and Christmas, she also left her.
Growing up pretty much alone, she had to figure out things her own way.
She realized that no one really cared for her, so she decided not to care for people as well. Except for: herself.
She became selfish, because she knew she wouldn't leave.
She toughed up. And stared treating people like she was treated.
She stopped believing in love. Or marriage. Or family. And she promised herself she wouldn't be trapped by these illusions.
She left her hometown and her family.
Started focusing on her career. Men was an extra. If she felt like it.
She proved to herself that she could be alone and happy.
So she went even further: another country.
And that's where she really found herself.
People were all selfish in their own kind of way.
All focused on their craft. Just like her.
Everything went well for a while, until the tragedy happened.
Her Mom left. Forever. Suddenly. No symptoms, no exams, no goodbyes.
She didn't even had the chance to fear the death.
It surprised her leaving only tears. And pain. So much pain.
Death left a hole in her already broken heart. A big ass hole.
And if it wasn't enough death also brought her friends: unemployment, insensitivity, fights, abandon, diseases, headaches and more.
She felt lost.
She felt scared.
She felt incapable.
She felt dead.
She wanted to be dead.
However, she had an angel by her side.
For a while.
He would go to her house to keep her company. Make sure she was ok. Call. Text and hug her.
Everything she needed.
But then… of course he left.
She was alone again.
Now, more than ever.
Until, he arrived.
He offered his arms, and his hug was so comforting that she wanted to be there for days.
There was so much love in his hug.
She felt like his love was directed to her, even though they barely knew each other.
Curious about the feeling she had whenever she was around him, she decided to investigate it.
It felt so good to be around him.
When she found herself attaching to him, she backed up.
She couldn't risk herself again.
Especially in a fragile moment of her life like that one.
She got scared.
She tried to make him leave so it would be easier for her.
But he wouldn't leave
And she couldn't watch him leave either.
So, they decided to take things slowly.
But as they would spend more and more time together his notes would enchant her.
Watching him play was so magical. It felt like his notes would talk to her heart. It was literally enchanting her.
They had the best hugs ever. It felt like their arms fit each other, like Lego.
Spending the night hugging each other. Boy, there was no better feeling in life.
Waking up with him kissing her and looking at her with his sweet and loving eyes.
She loved the way he treated her.
Like she was a Queen.
The most important person in the world.
No one had ever treated her like that.
Cooking breakfast, opening the door, paying for dinner, massages.
He even wrote her a song. The most beautiful thing anyone have ever done for her. And what a beautiful song! So soulful. So romantic. So her. And him. So them. Their love written in notes. That serene state of love.
The way he supported her. No one besides her Mom had ever believed in her as much as he did.
The way he looked at her… You could see his love through his eyes. It seemed like he loved every little thing about her.
Their kiss… so sweet.
And their… no words to that.
Everything was so passionate
You couldn't deny they had a connection.
He filled that hole.
She felt complete again
She felt safe, for the first time.
She felt like nothing bad would happen to her again.
Looking at them holding each other in the mirror she realized that what they had was what she wanted. What she wanted for the rest of her life. She wanted to be with him.
So the worst happened: she opened up.
She told him every single thing about her and her life.
She told him her deepest secrets, fears and sorrows.
She opened up her heart and gave it to him.
She couldn't help looking at him and thinking about how much she loved him.
So she said it.
She said those words that she had never truly said to anyone else.
She said I love you.
And she did.
Even though she was still trying to hide.
Even though she was still trying to keep that wall up and high.
Even though she was still trying to pretend like she didn't care.
But even though her face and mouth would try to fake it, her heart wouldn't lie.
It knew who it loved, and it wouldn't cheat it.
She couldn't be the same Melissa she was before.
She would go out with other guys and compare every single thing they did with him.
No one was good enough.
No one kissed her hand like he did.
No one would smell like him.
No one was so cute and silly at the same time as him.
No one would say her name like he did.
No one would touch her like he did.
No one would make life be bright again, like he did.
No one wanted her in her life more than anything in the world, like he did.
No one was him.
That's when she realized how much she loved him.
No one was good enough.
He was the one.
Her heart only had room for one.
She could see their future together. She could see a marriage, and even kids, and a dog.
She even dreamed of introducing him to her Mom. Thing that she would never do, to any guy.
And she was finally happy again.
Until life reminded her of the lesson she learned from her father when she was still a little kid: men are all the same.
His heart had room for another one.
And at the same time.
She felt so hurt that she could barely breath.
A terrible feeling possessed her. It felt like someone was punching her in the stomach. She felt like she was going to pass out.
She felt real pain.
And all the bad feelings she had came back.
The hole was opened again and even bigger.
Now, she was not only feeling her own pain, but also her Mom's pain.
"10 years with this terrible feeling, how did she do that? She was a real angel" - she thought.
And only because she wanted her to have a father.
That's being a Mom.
And now, feeling exactly what her Mom felt, she also didn't have her to cry to. She couldn't hug her or tell her how much she admired her strength, and thank her for tolerating all that pain.
No Mom, no Sister, no Father, no friends, no Sax.
What now?
Leaving him would be the best option, but she wasn't strong enough for it.
Until she saw them kissing.
She felt like she was going to pass out again.
She realized that he also loved the other one.
And he couldn't leave her.
So she picked up every strength she had in her body and left herself.
The strength didn't last long.
She spent the night crying in the bathroom.
Why would he do something like that?
Specially him.
He promised he would always be there.
He promised he would never do anything like that.
He promised her that she was the one he loved.
But actions proved him wrong.
He didn't come after her right away like she imagined he would.
She couldn't stop thinking about him.
She wrote him a thousand of texts that were never sent.
She looked on his social medias all day long.
She looked at their pictures together all day long.
And she cried.
She also couldn't stop thinking about him and the other one.
"Did he tell her he loved her?
Did he treat her the same way?
What does he say to her?
Does he do the same things he does with me?
Is she better than me?
Is she more romantic?
Is she sexier?
Is she more fun?
Why am I not enough?
Why wasn't I enough for him? He was for me.
All I needed was his love.
What does she have that I don't?
Why does he need her?
Does he love her more than he loves me?
What if they start dating?
What did I do?
What now?"
Feeling lost again, the sadness came back to her heart.
Thinking about all the moments they had together, she cried, cried and cried.
All she wanted was to hug him. And talk to him.
And it hurt so much to realize that he was the one hurting her so bad.
But she missed him.
She needed him in her life.
So, they started talking again.
But she was trying to be strong again.
Trying to deny her love and to push him away so they wouldn't be together anymore.
It was just easier if he left.
She is used to it, and she would be fine at the end. She knew what to do in that case.
So she told him to go.
She told him to be with the other one.
Even though her heart screamed and fought against it.
Her heart wanted to give him a second chance, and somewhere inside her, she still had hopes he would love her more. And that he would make it up.
But then, when her hopes were up high again, he crack them up. Again.
He brought the other one to her show.
That was the proof that he really didn't care for her.
Because that's not caring.
That's not love.
That's not respect
He knew she would be upset, and he didn't care.
And the lack of breath was back. That horrible feeling.
That was it.
She decided she wouldn't let him hurt her anymore.
This time she would be strong enough to be away from him.
She would stop talking to him.
She didn't want to see him.
She was going to forget him
And she made it loud and clear.
Laying on the floor and crying desperately she realized that she deserved more than that.
Even though what they had seemed like everything, she deserves more respect.
She deserves someone who really appreciates her.
She deserves someone who will love her back just as much.
And among the many things that she was thinking about, the certainty that no one will love him like she does.
Because her heart beats so fast whenever she hears his voice.
And when she sees him, her wish is to run to his arms and hug him for hours and kiss him endlessly.
And when their eyes find each other… no words need to be said. They know exactly what each one of them is thinking about.
And when she watches him play, her heart, enchanted by the music, keeps saying, "I love you, I love you, I love you."
Every gesture and every note he plays seems perfect. He seems perfect.
He looks like her Prince.
She thinks about him all day long.
She misses him all day long.
She wants to tell him every single thing that happened on her day.
She even buy him gifts.
Gifts that she might never give him. But that she bought because she knew he was going to like, and she pictured his reaction.
She stops herself from calling or texting him all day long.
And whenever he texts she gets so excited that she can barely help it.
She loves him with all of her heart.
And she will probably always love him.
But when he realizes that, she will be long way gone.

Caso você não saiba o que fazer/ In case you don't know what to do

Sim...
Aconteceu.
Não precisa me lembrar o quanto é trágico. Acredite, eu, mais do que ninguém, sei.
Evite fazer perguntas sobre o assunto: como aconteceu, por que, quando, e etc... dói responder.
Mas isso não significa que você deva evitar o assunto. Isso não ajuda em nada, especialmente porque, por mais que você consiga desligar do assunto, eu não.
E muitas vezes eu quero mesmo falar sobre isso.
Falar limpa a alma dos espinhos que machucam o coração.
Às vezes os espinhos arranham tanto que eu começarei a chorar.
Me deixe.
Não fale que eu não posso chorar.
Não tente mudar de assunto.
Não tente me fazer rir.
As lágrimas amenizam a dor dos arranhões.
Seque as minhas lágrimas.
Pegue a minha mão, me abrace, demonstrações de carinho são o melhor consolo.
Se tiver vontade de chorar, chore também.
Compartilhar a dor de um amigo é um dos gestos mais bonitos de amizade.
Procure entender os meus sinais no dia a dia.
Os olhos baixos, o estalo das mãos, o rodar dos anéis nos dedos, o olhar vago, ou pés nervosos, a pouca fala, os olhos cheios de lágrimas e a respiração.
Eles vão lhe mostrar o que se passa dentro de mim
E vão também mostrar que apesar do sorriso no rosto, ou a maneira feliz de conversar, ainda está muito doído.
Me ligue, mande uma mensagem, faça uma visita, me abrace, pense em mim, apenas esteja lá.
Mas esteja por completo: corpo, mente e coração.
Esteja lá pra me fazer companhia, pra me ouvir, pra ouvir minhas histórias e pra jogar conversa fora se eu estiver no clima.
Cuidado!
Num primeiro momento, evite falar sobre mães. Só me faz lembrar da tristeza que é não ter mais a minha mais.
Também evite falar apenas das coisas boas acontecendo na sua vida.
Não quero ser egoísta, mas por mais que eu queira prestar atenção e ficar feliz por você, muitas vezes eu não consigo.
Não consigo porque as coisas positivas e felizes só me lembram de quão triste e negativa minha vida está no momento.
Não me leve a mal, eu fico feliz por você! Mas não tanto como eu gostaria e estaria em condições normais.
Me perdoe por não conseguir ser a amiga atenciosa e alegre de sempre no momento.
Me perdoe por estar uma bagunça.
É por isso que eu preciso de você.
Pra me apoiar e me ajudar a andar enquanto eu vou tentando me levantar.
Por favor, entenda isso.
Mas cuidado com o sobre-cuidado também.
Às vezes eu também preciso de um tempo.
De respirar.
De sentir e assimilar tudo o que está se passando dentro de mim.
Pode ser que eu queira ficar sozinha.
Pode ser que eu não queira conversar.
Respeite.
E esteja atento aos sinais.
Estamos todos sofrendo, eu sei.
Todos amávamos ela, eu sei.
Ainda não conseguimos acreditar, eu sei.
Todos sentimos saudade, eu sei.
Mas a realidade é que nós somos as únicas que vivíamos com ela no dia a dia.
Somos nós quem vivemos TODOS os dias de nossas vidas com ela. De perto ou de longe, mas ainda perto.
E nós somos nós quem sentimos saudade dela em CADA segundo do dia.
Ao acordar na cama vazia, ao tomar banho no banheiro vazio, ao ver as roupas dela ainda penduradas na porta, ao descer as escadas e não encontrá-la na cozinha tomando café da manhã, ao sair de casa sem ela dirigindo, ao termos que aprender a fazer tarefas dela, ao termos que lidar com papéis dela, ao viajar e não ter quem avisar quando chegar ao destino, ao ter que fazer almoço sem ela queimando a comida, ou atrasando o almoço, ao não ter ela tomando sol na piscina, ao não ter pra quem ligar quando temos uma novidade boa, ao não ter pra quem correr para quando precisamos chorar, ao não ter o abraço dela pra acalmar todo e qualquer desespero... E por aí vai.
Ela estava em todo e qualquer detalhe do dia.
E agora não só não está, como parece estar cada vez mais longe, e inalcançável.
Restando um vazio enorme no peito.
Um vazio que nada poderá preencher, mas a sua presença pode ajudar a esconder.
Procure nos dar esse apoio.
Entenda que agora precisamos de você mais do que nunca.
E precisamos de você no dia a dia, nos ajudando a suprir a falta dela na rotina.
Lembre-se que nós somos frutos dela, e que ela era a pessoa mais importante que tínhamos em nossas vidas.
Perdê-la nos dá a sensação de que perdemos tudo.
Mas você pode nos ajudar a nos achar de novo.
Apenas esteja por perto.
Por inteiro.
E sempre.
Obrigada a todos aqueles que têm feito isso e muito mais.
Meu coração se alegra em saber que os tenho em minha vida.
Caso você não saiba o que fazer, espero que isso tenha ajudado um pouco.
Não se sinta mal!
Eu também não sabia o que fazer até ter que sentir na minha própria pele.
E vamos em frente, pois o luto não se acaba, apenas se transforma.


-----------------------------

Yes…
It happened.
You don't need to remind me of how tragic it is.
Believe me, I know. More than anyone else.
Try not to ask questions about it: how it happened, why, when and etc… it hurts to answer them.
That doesn't mean you should try not to talk about it. It doesn't help at all, especially because even though you might be able to think about something else, I am not.
And I usually wanna talk about it.
On my own time.
Talking cleans the soul from the prickles that hurts the heart.
Sometimes the prickles scratches so hard that I'll start crying.
Just let me.
Don't tell me not to cry
Don't try to change the subject
Don't try to make me laugh
The tears soften the pain suffered from the scratches.
Hold my hand, hug me.
Demonstrating affection is the most effective way to comfort
If you feel like crying as well, do so.
Sharing a friend's pain is one of the most beautiful gestures a friend can do.
Try to understand my signals on a daily basis.
Lowered eyes, popping the fingers, playing around with the rings, the vague look, frenetically swinging the feet, not saying much, the eyes filled with tears and the breathing.
They will show you what's going on inside of me.
And they will also show you that despite of the smile on my face or the excitement in my voice, it is still hurting a lot.
Call me, text me, pay me a visit, hug me, think about me, just be there somehow.
But be entirely there: with your body, mind and heart.
Be there to keep me company, to listen to me, to hear my stories, or to just chat if I feel like it.
But be careful!
At first, try not to talk about moms. It just reminds me of how sad it is not to have mine anymore.
Also avoid talking only about the great things happening in your life
I don't wanna be selfish, but as much as I want to pay attention and be happy for you, I usually can't
I can't because all of the good and happy things remind me of how sad and negative my life is right now.
Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for you.
But not as much as I would like to be and would be in a normal situation.
Please forgive me for not being able to be the thoughtful and happy friend I usually am.
I am sorry I am a mess right now.
But that's why I need you.
To support me and help me get back up as I take one step at a time
Please understand that.
But be careful with the over-caring as well.
Sometimes I need time as well.
Time to breath.
To feel and assimilate everything that is happening inside of me.
I might want to be alone.
I might not want to talk.
Respect it.
And pay attention on my signals
We are all suffering, I know.
We all loved her. I know.
We still can't believe it. I know.
We all miss her, I know.
But the reality is that we are the only ones who lived with her on a daily basis.
We are the only ones who lived EVERY single day of our lives with her. Right by ur side, or far away, but still right by our side.
We are the ones who miss her in every single second of the day.
When we wake up to an empty bed, when we take a shower in an empty bathroom, when we see her clothes still hanging on the door, when we go down the stair and she's not there in the kitchen having her breakfast, when we leave the house without her driving by my side, when we need to learn how to do her tasks, when we need to deal with her paperwork, when we go on a trip and don't have who to call to whenever we arrive, when we need to make our own lunch and she's not there in the kitchen either burning something or delaying lunch, when she's not tanning by the pool, when we don't have who to call to whenever we have exciting news, when we don't have who to run to whenever we need to cry, when we don't have her hug to calm us down despite of how desperate we are and many more..
She was there in every single detail of the day.
And now she's not only absent but she seems more and more unreachable as the days pass by.
Leaving a huge emptiness in the chest.
An emptiness that nothing will fulfill, but your presence might help hiding it.
Try to give us this support.
Understand that now, more than ever, we need you.
And we need you on a daily basis, helping us to forget how much we miss her every day
Remember, we are her creation, and she is the most important person we had in our lives.
Loosing her make us feel like we lost everything.
But you can help us find ourselves again.
Just be around.
Wholly.
And always.
Thank you for the ones who have been doing that and much more.
It warms my heart to know that I have you in my life.
If you don't know what to do, I hope this helped a little bit.
Don't feel bad!
I didn't know what to do as well. until I had to go through all of this myself.
And we keep holding on. because the grief is never over, it only changes its face.

Machado me entende...

QUEM Foi que o berço me embalou da infância Entre as doçuras que do empíreo vêm? E nos beijos de célica fragrância Velou meu puro sono? Minha mãe! Se devo ter no peito uma lembrança É dela que os meus sonhos de criança Dourou: - é minha mãe! Quem foi que no entoar canções mimosas Cheia de um terno amor - anjo do bem Minha fronte infantil - encheu de rosas De mimosos sorrisos? - Minha mãe! Se dentro do meu peito macilento O fogo da saudade me arde lento É dela: minha mãe. Qual anjo que as mãos me uniu outrora E as rezas me ensinou que da alma vêm? E a imagem me mostrou que o mundo adora, E ensinou a adorá-la? - Minha mãe' Não devemos nós crer num puro riso Desse anjo gentil do paraíso Que chama-se uma mãe? Por ela rezarei eternamente Que ela reza por mim no céu também; Nas santas rezas do meu peito ardente Repetirei um nome: - minha mãe! Se devem louros ter meus cantos d’alma Oh! do porvir eu trocaria a palma Para ter minha mãe!